But there are times when my brain starts manufacturing all kinds of doubts and uncertainties. Am I really moving in the right direction? Am I really moving at all? Is there hope for me to heal, or am I just deluding myself? And more pragmatically, did I really need to leave my job, or did I just blow off my only chance at security?
Oh, do I mean the job that was killing me, eroding my soul day by day? Yeah, that’s the one. Well, let’s see… my life and sanity versus financial stability. It really was a hard choice, and I tried choosing the job over my health. But ultimately my questionable “sanity” undermined my ability to maintain my financially stable position. So there was really no choice to consider.
Where, then, does the doubt come in? How do I think I could have chosen otherwise? My mind pulls and tugs at it, second guessing about alternate outcomes, all of the “what ifs” that are totally unanswerable. And I start to feel overwhelmed. At those times I don’t feel optimistic or resilient and I don’t have faith that everything will be okay. I don’t have faith in anything at all.
But somehow I keep plugging along. It’s like there’s a twofold disconnect: a negative discrepancy between what I write and what I allow myself to think, and a positive discrepancy between what I think and how I act. I keep moving forward even when I don’t know which way “forward” is.
In other words, I try to practice what I preach. Except when I don’t. Maybe that’s all I can really expect of myself. I don’t have surefire answers, but I can’t function if all I see is a plethora of doubts and unresolvable questions. So what… I just make stuff up to fill in the gap?
I prefer to think that maybe I’m tapping into some inner resource that is wiser than my flighty, doubting conscious mind. Maybe there’s a steadfast iceberg beneath the visible tip, an innate knowing that is my compass, that keeps me progressing along my ordained path even when I am clueless and doubtful about where I’m heading or how I’m going to get there.
And so I manage to keep the faith in spite of myself. Whatever it is that keeps me going, I’ll take it. I’ve heard that it’s the journey that counts, not the destination. If I can remember that more often than not, I should be okay despite my fears and doubts. I try to walk the talk as best I can on any given day. It beats giving up, and it makes for better blog posts than if I were to give in to gloom and doom. I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime.
So I’ll keep moving the pen to see what comes out, and I might even take my own advice sometimes. Now, there’s a new concept.
All the best,