The stained glass project I have recently undertaken is going to be a gift to my daughter and son-in-law in celebration of my first grandchild, who is due in five months. I am using small rectangles of colored glass that came in a sample pack from a glass manufacturer. The idea is to have the various colored rectangles resemble a block quilt, once assembled.

It will be a very simple design, as I am trying to hedge my chances for success and build up my confidence for something more challenging down the road. Of course, the underlying fear is that I will fail at even this simple project, and drive myself deeper into the trenches of seeing myself as a failure. 

In truth, I don’t fear failure. I fear being a failure. In response to my previous blog post about fear of failure, a friend of mine, Mike, asked, “Doesn’t ‘success’ or ‘failure’ always relate to a goal of some sort that has been set? The words are meaningless unless something concrete has been chosen to try and accomplish; then the words apply depending upon whether or not one achieves the goal, or how far one misses it by.” 

Mike is right. Labeling myself as a failure or as a success is meaningless. One is never completely one or the other. We fail at some things and we succeed at others. Failing and succeeding are facts of life that occur every time we set a goal. And the world keeps spinning regardless of whether or not we fail at any given goal. Or whether we succeed, for that matter. 
 
So I’ve got the design for the glass panel conceived in my mind. The next step is to actually draw the pattern, to capture the intangible image onto paper. And to draw a parallel here, one could note that success and failure are merely intangible concepts, too, captured only in the essence of the outcomes of our goals. I should fear them no more than I fear my project design concept.  

In drawing the pattern – the blueprint – for my project, I am developing the guide that I’m going to follow. I'm setting the parameters within which I will want to work if I am going to achieve my goal. The path can take many routes, but this represents the destination.

In patterning my life, I know my destination: peace. Spiritual, mental, emotional, physical… peace. The particular path I take to get there, the specific materials and methods I will use are irrelevant at this point. And successes and failures are irrelevant, as well.  That’s a parameter I need to set. 

It’s time to draw some lines, literally and figuratively. 

It’s in my mind as a construct, an idea, a visualization of something that doesn’t yet exist. I think I can make it happen, but I have doubts, concerns, fears. I want success and acceptance and approval. And the value I place on the ultimate outcome leaves me nearly paralyzed with anxiety such that it’s difficult to even take the first steps to move this thing from imagination to reality. What if I completely fail? 

What am I talking about? Career choices? Finances? Relationships? Happiness? My life has kind of come to a standstill in all of those areas. It’s hard to break free of my fear of failure, and so I have given in to inertia. I don’t attempt to do things, even things that I have been successful at in the past. And yet that lack of action is, in itself, a form of failure. I am failing to even try. 
 
So how am I going to bring my ideas to reality? Where do I begin? The answer lies, in part, in realizing that there is no such thing as a “complete” failure. Any attempt I make is a success in trying. 

For starters, I’m not really talking about career and money and relationships, because I can’t visualize what I want in those areas. Ultimately, in life, what I want is contentment. I am wise enough to know that contentment doesn’t necessarily come from climbing the corporate ladder to a six figure income, or from finding a mate, or from winning the lottery. And I know that I could theoretically find contentment in my life right now without changing a thing. But I’m not there yet, and even so, there are twenty-four hours a day and seven billion people to contend with and a physical body to maintain, and as long as I am in this physical form, I have to participate with life on some level. So I have to decide what to do with myself. 

But rather than trying to figure out the big picture, I’m beginning with something much more concrete than the concepts I listed above. I’m going to build a stained glass panel. In the process, I’m hoping to learn about myself and gain insight into those other areas. The parallels between constructing a stained glass panel and constructing my future are endless. 
 
I’m going to create a pattern, select the glass in colors that are pleasing to me, cut and shape the pieces, and fit them together to form a panel, a whole that – while maybe not “greater” than the sum of its parts – will give me a sense of accomplishment, will be something of beauty (I hope) to look upon, and will give me pleasure in the simple act of creativity.  And as I fit together the pieces of glass, maybe I will begin to piece together some greater aspects of my life. Maybe at some point, as with the glass, I will be able to hold my life up to the light of day and see a vibrancy shining through in hues that I could hardly begin to imagine. And with that, maybe I will be content. 
 
So bring on the Band-Aids. I’m going to break some glass. 

Depending on how long one has suffered from depression – or from a particular episode of depression – coming out of it can feel like being depleted at the end of a long and arduous journey. Or maybe like being depleted at the end of a long and arduous jail term (although I can’t attest to that latter comparison personally). Somehow we have to return to a
“normal” life and start functioning again, and the “props” that were in place previously that helped to define our lives may either no longer be there or may no longer be appropriate to the new and healthier lifestyle we need to embrace. So how do we pull our lives back together? One piece at a time. 

Relationships: I wrote previously about reestablishing friendships in a post aptly titled “Reestablishing Friendships” which you can find here. In that post, I kind of assumed that those friendships were a positive thing in our lives and that it was a good move to rekindle those ties. But that’s not always the case. 

We may have been involved in caustic, abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationships that contributed to our depression and which we simply need to let go of for the sake of our mental wellbeing. This this can be a difficult thing to do. The most important consideration in extricating ourselves from an abusive relationship is to do so safely. That may require intervention from some legal or social services agency. Don’t hesitate to seek out the help you need.  

Other instances may not be so dire and may just be a case of distancing ourselves from certain people, whether they are former friends or even relatives. We can find ways to establish new, healthier relationships that will support our recovery rather than undermining it.  For ideas on meeting new people, go to Meetup.com, the ”world’s largest network of local groups,” to find a group of like-minded individuals on just about any topic you can think of.  Caveman dieters? Dachshund lovers? Belly dancers? They’re all there. Gumby and Pokey enthusiasts? Sorry, no. But don’t despair, you can start your own Meetup!

Health: Ideally, before we leave a hospital or other treatment facility or program, we will have located some resource for continuing our mental health treatment. It is important to keep moving forward in our recovery and to continue to reinforce whatever healthy measures might have helped us get this far along the way. If you can’t locate affordable therapy, there are agencies that can help. Find them.  

Sometimes we will have neglected our physical health when we were less functional. Physical and mental wellbeing are so closely intertwined, we can hardly ignore one and expect the other to thrive. Now is the time to get back on board with exercise and healthy eating habits. I’m not aiming to run a marathon any time soon, and my diet isn’t ideal all the time. I’m keeping my eating and exercise goals pretty simple, but I am making steady progress with my health, and that’s what counts for now. 

Finances: We may be facing a whole new slew of medical bills associated with our recent bout of depression. We may have been unable to maintain our jobs or other sources of income. There’s no quick fix for financial problems, except for winning the lottery, of course. In truth, I’m coming up short on suggestions for this one, as this is my biggest bane at present. But I’m taking this challenge a day at a time, too, trying to problem solve to the best of my ability instead of letting it get me down and undermine my recovery. 

Ultimately, these are all just individual facets to the life that we must now construct (or reconstruct) to protect and further improve our mental health.  We don’t have to tackle everything at once and we don’t have to do it alone. There is help available to us if we look for it. Taken one piece at a time, one small step at a time, we can rebuild our lives. It may never look the same as it did before we took a dive, but we may eventually find that we have come back even stronger than we were before. You never quite know how the puzzle is going to turn out until that final piece is in place. 

Let’s keep the faith together. 
Maggie